The thing I’ve found is that the only person who can give me answers is me.  Time and distances have given me time to grow and change.

I can’t say I will stop running around and become a faithful partner.  I can’t say that I’ll divorce and start over.  I can’t say because I don’t know.  I can say I understand more clearly why I do the things I do.  Just understanding has helped me to find some sort of balance which has helped me make better choices…not always wiser but better.

For better or worse it’s been real but it’s time to say good-bye.

My grandfather was my father’s father.  He and my grandmother were divorced when my father was around three or four years old.  From that moment on my father spent his entire life chasing after a man who would not be caught.  At my father’s funeral my brother asked my grandfather why he never made more of an effort to see our father, to call him, to help him.  My grandfather blamed my grandmother.  It is true that my grandmother can be difficult for a lack of a better word however, I was raised that no matter what you always try to be there, you always try to stay in contact no matter what the obstacles. 

Growing up our grandfather was never around.  We never received gifts or presents much less, calls on holidays or birthdays.  When he came into town and we went to visit him, we vaguely acknowledged with awkward hugs and sent on our way.  I still remember my father trying so hard to be seen. 

 I’m angry with my grandfather for always keeping my father waiting like the perpetual child looking out a window sitting up straighter at the glimpse of a familiar car only to find that it’s not his father after all.  I’m angry that my mother and to a lesser extent my brother need me to be sad.  I’m not happy that he’s gone but I feel guilty for not being sadder that he’s gone.  And I’m pissed off at myself for feeling guilty. 

I don’t like being angry.  It’s not in my nature.  When I am angry it comes in flashes and then dissipates into the wind but this anger won’t release.

Bipolar wasn’t around, apparently she’s left town for “an extended amount of time” I’m not sure how long that is but suffice to say her things are  still there so I’m guessing she’ll be back at some point.  We talked a bit about that.  Eddie said he’s biding his time and that she’s moving out in the Spring.  I snorted and reminded him that he’d said the same thing last Spring and she was still firmly planted in his home.

And that’s when the first of two pieces of interesting information was shared with me.  He told me that things were getting even worse and he was sure she’d leave soon.  He’s decided nothing much is left between them after she “hacked” into his Facebook account, which really means she had his password and logged into it.  She read some message he and I had exchanged back in the Spring when we were closer than we are now.  Apparently, they were flirtatious.  I, honestly, don’t remember how flirtatious they were and I can’t go back to refresh my memory as I deleted all of them.  So, I have to take his word for it.  At any rate, she doesn’t like me and if I were in her shoes I wouldn’t like me either.  Then again if she were fulfilling her part of the “live in girlfriend contract” she wouldn’t have to worry about him running around on her.  I’m not saying it’s all her fault but if you don’t want to sleep with your man, go to his gigs and are fucking other men and women then you’ve pretty much set up yourself up. 

She apparently threatened to email me but he warned her against it and what not.  I told him that it was probably best she hadn’t because depending on my mood at that moment it could have gone one of two ways.  I could have laughed it off and called him to tell him what had happened or I could have turned into one catty bitch who goes for the jugular and then all hell would have broken loose.  He’s since changed his passwords and she can’t get into his accounts anymore. 

Next came our discussion about families and children.  It’s strange the things I will tell people, especially men when I am comfortable enough around them.  I’ve learned to keep my thoughts, feelings and secrets close to my chest when dealing with people.  There are still a few things I’ve never told Stevie or Olive and they’re my best friends.  Something not so secret to them but a secret I didn’t share with Eddie until last night was my feelings about children.  Earlier in the day when we were talking online I mentioned that if I’d ever had a boy I’d name him Lawrence after my favorite writer and if it were a girl I’d name her Anne Marie after my grandmother.  So, maybe it’s because of the Holiday.  Christmas seems to be made for children and around this time I’m feeling especially sad that I don’t have children and probably never will.  In a month I’ll wonder why on earth I was longing for a baby but right now it’s different.  I told him how much I use to want a child and that I’m sad now that I don’t have them.  I wonder if it’s just because of the holiday or if it’s because of something deeper.  I confessed that I was afraid of ever having an unbreakable connection to a man and that if I had a child with a man, unless the man ran out and never came back I would always be connected even if the relationship didn’t last.  I’d never met anyone I’d ever wanted that type of connection with.  

Eddie digested this information he gave me the second piece of interesting information.  He said that he hadn’t ruled out having children but there was just still so much he wanted to do before he even thought about having a child.  I wasn’t sure what to say or think of this information so I just nodded and we moved onto new subjects. 

So, the night was interesting and I’m glad of it.  I don’t know if I’ll see him any time soon and I think that’s fine.  It’s odd how our relationship has developed.

So today she sends me an email and tells me that she’s with Larry.  Larry was the guy she was madly in love with but who jerked her around for years.  He would appear in her life then disappear over and over again.  Now they’re living together and are happy.

This just pissed me off, not because I’m jealous of her or angry that she got what she wanted but because the Fates seem to be trying to trick me into playing the same damn game we’ve been playing for years.

It’s like they want me to start daydreaming and hoping for a life with S that will never happen!!!  We will never be together forever.  We will never have a house, car, dog, cat and 2.5 kids.  So I resent the fact that this is being tossed up at me to examine.

Maybe I should be pissed at myself for reconnecting with Kennedy but really I didn’t know about Larry. 

It’s just total fucking bull shit.

So now I’m on a new pill and I tested it out last weekend with S.  We weren’t as safe as we probably should have been, something I know I will be berated for if Stevie and Olive find out.  I will admit it is something I should be berated about along with the fact that I slept with S again. 

I won’t say things are different this time because as far as our affection for each other that hasn’t change nor has S fear of commitment.  The only thing that has changed is me.  I know that we will never have a happy ending, too much has happened.  We are too changed to be anything more than what we are. 

Knowing all this makes it even more difficult to be in the situation I’m in.  I may be pregnant.  I’ve taken a test and it’s come back negative.  I’ve read online about what this new pills does to a menstrual cycle.  Evidently, it gives you a shorter cycle which only allows for spotting or no period at all. 

Even with this information I’m scared out of my mind.  I plan to call my doctor tomorrow and ask about these new developments and probably take another two or three tests to be sure. 

I’ve been on the cusp of telling S but I’m afraid of his reaction.  I’m not afraid he won’t want the baby I’m afraid he will.  I’m afraid he’ll try to fill my head with fantasies that will never come true.  I’m afraid I’ll start to believe them and when there isn’t a baby those dreams will disintegrate yet again.  Or worse there will be a baby but he won’t be able to fulfill any of the dreams he’s expressed and I’ll be alone with a baby I wanted years ago but not anymore.

I feel so alone.  I’m frightened.  I’m eight months away from finally getting my Masters and moving forward in my life.  I wish I could tell Stevie and Olive because I know that even though they’ll comfort me and be there for me, they’ll still be angry, frustrated and disappointed in me. 

Hell I’m angry, frustrated and disappointed in me.

It doesn’t matter if I’ve kept from clinging to him.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t text, email, call or messsage him for days.  It doesn’t matter that I no longer suffer the shortness of breath and speeding of my heart when I see him. 

Whether I say the words or not I still feel them and that feeling is what makes me afraid because I know there is no future for us.  We will never be together.

I read it a few times.  It was a draft with several changes.  I sat deciphering the stanzas; comparing it to my memory of the night he’d read the poem trying to remember exactly how some the finished product went.  After I figured it out I read it again for the deeper meaning.

I came away from my hour-long project wanting to simultaneously cry because I missed him and slap him because it’s how own fault his life is the way it is.

I miss his deep insight into life, his zest for being free and easy-going.  I miss talking to him for hours about books, authors, old movies and music.  I miss sitting on the tailgate of his truck listening to him play as the night sky begins to turn pink.  I miss making each other laugh and smile.  I miss the teasing and joking.

However, I wanted to slap him because of the sentiments expressed in his poem.  The poem spoke of being seen as a free spirit but that he was lonely filling his nights with one night stands.  He left me I didn’t leave him.  He chose to cut off almost all contact and move us from being close friends to acquaintances.  So if he’s trading songs for one night stands rather than sharing thoughts and ideas then it isn’t anyone’s fault but his own.

And I realize that the narrator and writer are two different people but as a writer I know that no matter what we write a bit of our own experiences and feelings go into that writing.  In  our case, mine & his, we write more about ourselves and less about made up people.  So I think I have a right to miss him and also be hurt and resentful.

These past two months of not seeing Eddie and having him so much in my life has given me some perspective.  I guess I’m not as much like him as I had thought or would like to think.  I still feel like we are more a like than different but where he chooses to flutter aimlessly with little realization of the people he’s touching I flutter and dance but I notice that people I come into contact grow attached to me.  It’s not that he doesn’t become attached to us it’s that he doesn’t realize that we treat attachments differently than he does.  Once we become friends we like to be in contact with our friends.  We don’t want to be joined at the hip we do want to remain close. 

Two months have allowed my heart time to heal and although I am sad and still miss him I’ve learned to live without him.  I’ve given up on us remaining as close as we once were.  I’m more sad about losing our friendship and I wonder if taking it past friendship to sex damaged it but I don’t spend too much time wondering because I’ll never know and there’s no point in dwelling on any of it.

Eddie told me a little of what had been going on in his life.  He’s been playing a lot of gigs, collaborating with different song writers and listening to the complaints of Moodswing.  I told him I was a mad at him for completely blowing us off and me for nearly two months.  He said he was sorry but that every time he came home it was to complaints.  I told him that he should have called us and we’d have gone out and commiserated with him as we always have.  I didn’t feel the need or the desire to pity or forgive him for his treatment.  He seemed awkward and I wondered what he was thinking.  I wondered if he was worried about how I would behave around him after such a long silence.  I pretended like the weekend in June never happened. 

Viet, Eddie and I stood talking to each other when a man came up to us and asked us if we were writers.  We said yes and shared a few words before the lights flickered and we were sitting listening to the readers.  Eddie read first then three more.  During the intermission I sought out the man to find out who he was as he’d never told us who he was.  I found that he was a retired Methodist minister and we talked for a few minutes about online publishing verses book publishing.  He then asked me if I was dating Eddie.  I said no we were just friends.  A small part of me wanted to say, “No, but I wish.”  A larger part of me was annoyed that a perfect stranger almost assumed we were dating.  I was bothered that even after all this time there seems to be some chemistry that others can see, even strangers can see a connection.  So, I was annoyed because even a perfect stranger can see what Eddie fails to see or maybe doesn’t want to see.

I know I’m over him…for the most part.  Still, it hurts because we would have been a  great couple.  We would have supported each other and had a great relationship.  We are/were right for each other.  But it doesn’t really matter because whatever I, friends or strangers see is only visible to us alone.

My heart has stopped longing for him.  Still I try not to think too much about our few days together because it hurts to know that our moment is gone and it’ll never come again.  We would have made a great couple.  We inspire each other and support each other.  We would have been happy together but we’ll never be together and I’m fine with that.

I’ve accepted that things are the way they are and that’s all there really is to it.  If he really wanted to leave Moodswing he would leave.  If he didn’t love her he wouldn’t put up with her. 

As for me after my discussion with Professor D I’ve started to look ahead.  Professor D asked me about Eddie.  I told him that he was playing gigs and is suppose to take his comps soon but hadn’t really talked to anyone so who knew what he was planning.  Professor D smiled and shook his head then looked me in the eyes and said something to the effect that, “Eddie is moves from thing to thing never really committing to anything in particular and it works for him and he wouldn’t be him if he didn’t live his life this way.  But it’s not the kind of life for everyone no matter how free they are because he’s still erratic.”  And I accepted what Stevie had told me  months earlier.  

The thing I love most about Eddie is his flight of fancy but it’s also the thing that will always keep us apart.  He will never be able to fully commit to anyone.  It’s likely that at one point or another Moodswing will be an ex but I can’t and shouldn’t have to wait for him and there’s no guarantee that I will be the next girlfriend or girlfriend ever.  More importantly he may never fully commit to me either. 

Eddie will remain the one I let go of rather than the one that got away.  As for S I think we’ve finally reached the point in our relationship where we are just friends.  I will always love him and will always wish things had turned out differently but they are the way they are and they’ll never change.  I can’t wait for the impossible.

So, I’ve started looking to my future I’ve decided on the top two schools I would love to go to for my doctoral degree.  My first choice is Professor D’s school.  He suggested it, “not because it’s my alma mater but because it’s a good school and I know the people there.”  I looked at the website and the fellowship and teaching assistant positions pay a nice amount.  I also like the idea that it is the school Professor D went to, not because he has “connections” but because it’s like going to my uncle’s or big brother’s school and I want to be close to him.  My second choice is TT which is the #2 creative writing school in the country.  I really love that idea.  The requirements don’t seem to bad for either school.  Stevie isn’t thrilled with me leaving the state which is what will happen if I end up at Professor D’s school.  But she understands. 

So, it seems I’m growing up despite my best efforts to stay immature.  It’s weird to realize that I know who I am, what I really want and refuse to settle for less.

I’m sure in a few days I’ll be a whining mess missing Eddie or S and wondering why I can’t ever have what I really want but for the time being I’m okay.