And I know I’m setting everything up for a huge fight but I have to say that I truly love when strangers feel it’s okay to stand in quick judgement of others as if they are complete in their moral superiority.

I agree I am whining and most certainly I am creating many of my own problems but is there anyone who does not whine from time to time? And more importantly are you really in a position to cast stones when you’re probably not moral in everything you’ve ever done in your life?

Finally, I’m not sure I know what I’m being berated for…go figure.

I felt this really heavy pressure on my chest and these inaudible whispers in my ears. I tried to open my eyes or move but I couldn’t. I was really struggling but I just couldn’t move. I finally just started thinking, “Go away” over and over and over again and the pressure left and the whispers went away.

Crazy stuff

I was working 3am to 11am at one job, driving an hour and working 12pm to 8pm at another job (training, as I was getting laid off of my first job) and hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in 3 days.

I was scheduled to go into my second job at 12am and work until 8am. As it was already 8:30pm I decided I would lay down and try to catch a couple hours of sleep before I had to get ready to go to work. My boyfriend wasn’t there, so I had the place to myself.

I remember falling asleep and waking up wondering why I woke up and what time it was. Then I hear footsteps. I try to turn my head in the direction they are coming from (I am laying on my back), but I find that I can’t move. All of a sudden, a pair of legs (just legs) comes walking from the kitchen and stands beside me in the bed. I try to scream, but nothing comes out except a low moan (and I’m not even sure I did that; it may have been wishful thinking). At that point, more footsteps and a second pair of legs join the first pair. I try to sling the covers off and get up, but I’m completely paralized. I try to scream, but I can’t do that either. I remember thinking “Are these ghosts? Is this something paranormal? What the hell is going on here???” As I have had encounters with the paranormal before, I wasn’t scared of what was happening. But I was scared. Actually, the more operative word was terrified. But of what, I don’t know, and that’s what scared me even more. That I was literally scared stiff and had no idea why. Then the legs start talking. I find out they are both men, and they are talking about trying to find a bottle of vodka. Then they start going through my stuff. I can’t see them do this (as they are completely absent from the waist up), but I can hear them talking, shuffling papers, walking around. I can feel myself start to sweat, I can feel my blanket wrapped around my foot, and I can hear the crossing alarm from the train tracks just up the street. I lay there, and amazingly I’m starting to drift back off to sleep, but that scares me even more, because then I get to thinking that if I fall back asleep with them still here, then they will do something to me (even though they have made no notice of me at all). So I fight to stay awake. I suppose I eventually lost the battle, because the next time I wake up my alarm is going off, telling me it’s time to get up and go to work.

I’ve researched it, and it’s something called “sleep paralysis”. The most common triggers are stress, a sudden and dramatic change to sleep schedule, sleep deprivation, and sleeping on your back. (all of these things I have/do.) The advice I received was “don’t be so scared”. Uh, yeah, thanks for that. I’ll try to remember that the next time 2 pairs of legs decide they are going to take a stroll through my livingroom looking for a bottle of vodka.

My boyfriend insists I dreampt the entire episode, but I will swear to anyone and even to Jesus himself that I was fully and wide awake.

It’s funny because no one has ever left a positive comment about my blog. I appreciate the comment but I didn’t think anyone could understand or think positive about someone who writes about her affairs.

I wrote this blog now almost 2 years ago and maybe that’s why my complimentor said this, because she hasn’t read the entire blog and once you put a comment out there you can’t retract.

Finally, it seems odd being reminded of C so blantantly after my decision to contact S after about 1 years of trying to cut him out of my mind and heart to no avail. To be reminded of C, his birthday no less, a day I always want to acknowledge because no one should be left alone or with acknowledgement on this of all days. I feel guilty for not acknowledging him on his special day. I keep trying to forget it but every year I inadvertantly get reminded and a new wave of guilt comes in.

*sigh* I’ve written a blog in a comment. How special am I? Oh well.