Crime and Punishment

I’m in SA right now.  My mother is in the next room.  Stevie messaged last night and ask if I was okay.  It’s like this reoccurring idiocy on my part.  I say yes and she asks something to the effect of are  you bull shitting or are you really okay?  I answer that yes I’m fine but why do you ask.  And she says she’s read my blogs.  Then it occurs to me that I really am not fine. 

I’m not fine I’ve just pushed the thoughts and feelings aside because it’s easier for me to focus on everything and everyone else than to deal with myself.  I focus on everything and everyone else because they’re more important than me. 

So that’s my crime….

My punishment is to be stupid enough to beg C not to take me at my word and end things.  It did the trick because before leaving for SA he messaged to come by and get his debit card which I did and used a few time this weekend.  I’m a loser.

I was lying in bed early this morning wondering why I keep punishing myself.  I realized that it goes back to that thing about always being able to predict who would dump who.  It feels unnatural for me to end something that C should be ending.  Also, if I end it I want to take it back and I do.  If he ends it then I’m too full of pride to ask him to change his mind.  The stupidest thing about that is that I should have pride enough not to change my mind but I don’t.  I’m not sure why.  Another thing for me to try and figure out about myself. 

So, now I’m “back” with C and I’m wishing I weren’t.  I know if I weren’t with him I’d be miserable but I’m miserable with him.  I wish he’d dump me so I could start to feel happy.  Maybe I should deliberately fuck up and that’ll get him to really dump me.  Hmm….that’s an idea.

God I’m pathetic.

~ by daydreamwriter on May 18, 2008.