Time to Say Good-bye

I don’t really remember the reason I gave for starting this blog but I know now why I started this blog so many years ago.  I was unhappy, lost, looking for answers and hoping to find someone who would read my words and give me answers.

The thing I’ve found is that the only person who can give me answers is me.  Time and distances have given me time to grow and change.

I can’t say I will stop running around and become a faithful partner.  I can’t say that I’ll divorce and start over.  I can’t say because I don’t know.  I can say I understand more clearly why I do the things I do.  Just understanding has helped me to find some sort of balance which has helped me make better choices…not always wiser but better.

For better or worse it’s been real but it’s time to say good-bye.

 

Angry….

My brother called me last Saturday to inform me that my grandfather had passed.  My only response was to say, “Oh okay.”  Through the silence I could hear my brother’s mind clicking, trying to understand my apathy.  For my part I was trying to understand why he would expect me to be upset or even sad.

My grandfather was my father’s father.  He and my grandmother were divorced when my father was around three or four years old.  From that moment on my father spent his entire life chasing after a man who would not be caught.  At my father’s funeral my brother asked my grandfather why he never made more of an effort to see our father, to call him, to help him.  My grandfather blamed my grandmother.  It is true that my grandmother can be difficult for a lack of a better word however, I was raised that no matter what you always try to be there, you always try to stay in contact no matter what the obstacles. 

Growing up our grandfather was never around.  We never received gifts or presents much less, calls on holidays or birthdays.  When he came into town and we went to visit him, we vaguely acknowledged with awkward hugs and sent on our way.  I still remember my father trying so hard to be seen. 

 I’m angry with my grandfather for always keeping my father waiting like the perpetual child looking out a window sitting up straighter at the glimpse of a familiar car only to find that it’s not his father after all.  I’m angry that my mother and to a lesser extent my brother need me to be sad.  I’m not happy that he’s gone but I feel guilty for not being sadder that he’s gone.  And I’m pissed off at myself for feeling guilty. 

I don’t like being angry.  It’s not in my nature.  When I am angry it comes in flashes and then dissipates into the wind but this anger won’t release.

Interesting Information

So, yesterday Eddie invited me over to his place.  I hesitated for a while & finally decided to head out.  I’ll be honest and say that although I don’t look at him the same way I did last year up till this past summer I do still love his company and his friendship.  I think above everything else I crave that most from him now.  So I went over with all intentions of keeping my heart, head and feet planted firmly on the ground.  I was successful at.

Bipolar wasn’t around, apparently she’s left town for “an extended amount of time” I’m not sure how long that is but suffice to say her things are  still there so I’m guessing she’ll be back at some point.  We talked a bit about that.  Eddie said he’s biding his time and that she’s moving out in the Spring.  I snorted and reminded him that he’d said the same thing last Spring and she was still firmly planted in his home.

And that’s when the first of two pieces of interesting information was shared with me.  He told me that things were getting even worse and he was sure she’d leave soon.  He’s decided nothing much is left between them after she “hacked” into his Facebook account, which really means she had his password and logged into it.  She read some message he and I had exchanged back in the Spring when we were closer than we are now.  Apparently, they were flirtatious.  I, honestly, don’t remember how flirtatious they were and I can’t go back to refresh my memory as I deleted all of them.  So, I have to take his word for it.  At any rate, she doesn’t like me and if I were in her shoes I wouldn’t like me either.  Then again if she were fulfilling her part of the “live in girlfriend contract” she wouldn’t have to worry about him running around on her.  I’m not saying it’s all her fault but if you don’t want to sleep with your man, go to his gigs and are fucking other men and women then you’ve pretty much set up yourself up. 

She apparently threatened to email me but he warned her against it and what not.  I told him that it was probably best she hadn’t because depending on my mood at that moment it could have gone one of two ways.  I could have laughed it off and called him to tell him what had happened or I could have turned into one catty bitch who goes for the jugular and then all hell would have broken loose.  He’s since changed his passwords and she can’t get into his accounts anymore. 

Next came our discussion about families and children.  It’s strange the things I will tell people, especially men when I am comfortable enough around them.  I’ve learned to keep my thoughts, feelings and secrets close to my chest when dealing with people.  There are still a few things I’ve never told Stevie or Olive and they’re my best friends.  Something not so secret to them but a secret I didn’t share with Eddie until last night was my feelings about children.  Earlier in the day when we were talking online I mentioned that if I’d ever had a boy I’d name him Lawrence after my favorite writer and if it were a girl I’d name her Anne Marie after my grandmother.  So, maybe it’s because of the Holiday.  Christmas seems to be made for children and around this time I’m feeling especially sad that I don’t have children and probably never will.  In a month I’ll wonder why on earth I was longing for a baby but right now it’s different.  I told him how much I use to want a child and that I’m sad now that I don’t have them.  I wonder if it’s just because of the holiday or if it’s because of something deeper.  I confessed that I was afraid of ever having an unbreakable connection to a man and that if I had a child with a man, unless the man ran out and never came back I would always be connected even if the relationship didn’t last.  I’d never met anyone I’d ever wanted that type of connection with.  

Eddie digested this information he gave me the second piece of interesting information.  He said that he hadn’t ruled out having children but there was just still so much he wanted to do before he even thought about having a child.  I wasn’t sure what to say or think of this information so I just nodded and we moved onto new subjects. 

So, the night was interesting and I’m glad of it.  I don’t know if I’ll see him any time soon and I think that’s fine.  It’s odd how our relationship has developed.