Realization

I’ve come to the realization that the reason why God keeps showing me what I want is because he doesn’t want me to have it.  He keeps showing me S and giving me just a few precious moments as punishment.  People like me don’t deserve to be happy.  People like me don’t deserve to have babies and grow old with their soul mates because I’m not  good enough for that.

Good people don’t cheat or lie.  Good people don’t write stupid blogs like this. 

I can’t have S because I don’t deserve always and forever with my soul mate.

Nothing Can Distract from the Loneliness

I just finished the second draft of my essay for class.  I’m going out on a ledge and writing about our last visit.  I didn’t give real dates or times and I didn’t get sex graphic.  I just talked about some of the things we discussed.  It’s the second piece I started about our relationship.  I actually like it better than the first but I’m not ready to give up on the first just yet.  I need more time to process it all.

I haven’t heard from S in a few days.  I emailed him last night but got no response.  I’m not sure what that means.  I’m trying not to over-react.  I just wish he’d give me more information.  I wonder if it’s worth the trouble but then I swore I’d never leave him.  I’m lonely. 

The days are stretching on and though they’re filled with last essays, new supervisor demands and Christmas shopping I still feel empty.  In the night nothing can distract from the loneliness, loss and sadness.  I’ve been taking more and more vicodin to knock myself out and my system is becoming more and more immune. 

I have no doubt he loves me I just have doubt that we’ll ever be together.

Getting a Grip…again

Got back from SA around 7 p.m.  The Husband was home so I didn’t get my customary, “moment of mourning.”  I resorted to hiding in the bathroom for 10 minutes with the water faucet running, crying and look at S’s picture on my cell phone. 

While whimpering I messaged Olive, Stevie and Glass that I was back and was not happy about it.  Stevie sent back a message, “hahaha” which I know wasn’t her making light of my sadness but felt the need to cry to someone beyond the 4 walls of the bathroom.  

I confessed that every time I come back it becomes glaring obvious that I no longer belong in this town and that my heart breaks every time I have to leave S behind.  I can’t stay in SA because he’s moving around and it’s not safe.  I don’t regret the past few months I just wish it would get easier instead of harder.  And Stevie gave me the advice that only a best friend can give,

“Don’t focus on what you can’t do.  Focus o what you can do, and there are things you can do.  Try to get your debt paid off and get stable so if he is free to go where he wants you can be ready.”

So, with that in mind I closed the picture of S, wiped my eyes, turned off the faucet and headed out of the bathroom to face the rest of the damn day. 

She’s right there’s not much I can do but what I can do is pretty fucking important.  I need to get my debt paid or at least, down before I can run away.  

I also need to focus on the rest of this semester.  I’ve done pretty good thus far but it’s not over yet and I need to get through the last 3 weeks.  Otherwise, I’ve wasted 3 months and dropped my GPA.  

I’m reminded of something Olive said a few days ago when I was still in SA pining to see S again.  I mentioned that I understood his trying to protect me from what was going on but it felt like I was being hidden away.  She suggested that perhaps he wasn’t only protecting me from himself or the problems he’s having but also from the friends he’s staying with.  He’s talked about them and though they don’t sound dangerous anyone has the potential to be dangerous at this moment.   

So, I just need to get a grip again.  I need to focus on paying down debt, finishing school and accepting that what he does he does for his son and me.  I just wish I could help.  And yes I know doing the other stuff is helping in an obtuse way but damn I’d like to do more than just this.  *sigh*